Journal Entry Number 2 (Fahrenheit 451)

It seems like fighting fire with fire is the conclusion to Fahrenheit 451. Montag kills the Captain for trying to threaten Faber. The irony is the Books, the very thing the firemen burn, have infiltrated the firemen s' ranks.

The suppression of literature is highly important in many societies. My own experience, in relevance to this, was reinforced by reading books. My parents were always afraid of their children being exposed to books that were sexually explicit in content. I remember reading a book in the fourth grade called "Sign of the Beaver." The cover depicted an American Indian with long hair and a young pioneer. My parents assumed that the Indian was a a girl and took that book away from me. My parents were from another country that immigrated to America, they never once considered reading the book themselves and finding the evil that they believed lurked within.


That only gave ammunition to my thirst of reading. I bought books with my pocket money and went without snacks. I would read books with a night light so no one would hinder me. I was determined to feed my thirst and didn't understand what my parents were trying to save me from.

This led to the alienation between me and my parents. To this very day, I dont have a good relationship with my mother, who is my sole surviving parent. Montag is alienated from the firemen and I am from my family.

In the end Montag joins a group of rebels and considers himself a book. Books made me question and at the same time isolate me. Isolate me from not just one culture but two, the West and the traditional South Asian.

Journal Entry Number 1 (Fahrenheit 451)

Part one is about Montag burning books. The story begins with him having fun and grinning while he does it. I found it beyond understanding how he would consider burning books and melting marshmallows at the same time.
After burning the books the fact that Montag is walking so casually home is highly unsettling. He is whistling and is enjoying life. Clarisse makes him question his whole existence. It is found even before he meets her, with the inkling of his subconscious, knows of her presence before he actually meets her.
The rain seems to cleanse Montag and he becomes a new person.This is very symbolic and is a premonition of his life's changing course.
A mechanical hound is seen as amusement when it kills cats, mice, and chickens. Its very disturbing that this is for the fireman's amusement.
Clarisse seems to be very normal and the funny thing is that she is considered anti-social. Being responsible is frowned upon by Montag's society.
All the firemen look the same and the realization shocks Montag who had never realized it before. This is very similar to how our society encourages one type of clothing, such as jeans, wearing brands, similar hairstyles amongst other things that are deemed appropriate.
The fact that the neighbors call the fire department is the most disturbing thing. It seems like there is no privacy in his world.
The scene where the woman dies is a turning point in Montags' life. This is where he steals the book and hides it. The woman is witnessing the destruction of her books and Montag feels very guilty. He feels like his ritual has been disturbed by her silent and condemning presence.

The fact that the woman struck the match herself is a sign of courage. She did not assimilate to societies demand but held her ground. Society even today tries to impel people to "Westernize". I remember being a kid in elementary school and told by my teachers that being different is something to celebrate. They would encourage me to wear my traditional dress and would complement me on my South Asian culture. That is no longer the case and I feel like our society closely resembles Montag's in this aspect.

The fact that the firemen remember phrases from their various fires' has a significant purpose. Subconsciously, firemen are aware of the fact that what they are doing is wrong. The sense of acute wrongness makes Montag wonder why all the fires occur at night.

The fact that suicide is downplayed so much by the Mildred is disturbing for Montag and myself. The fact that its always done with the high dosage of pills is another sign of the normalcy behind it. Doctors no longer bother themselves with suicides since they occur on a daily basis.

Montag feels like he is adrift in a world that makes no sense. I totally understand that feeling. I go home and my brothers are watching T.V. and they never have the time to sit at the dining table with the family. My sister is always on the phone or her I pad. I feel like Montag, I have to tiptoe in my house.

Its funny how books can enforce the lack in your life and at the same time make you wonder if things in your life should or can be better?

My Journal Entries

So I have realized that it has been a while since I have posted anything. I am going to start a new journal theme on my Blog. This will be based on the following books: Fahrenheit 451, Lolita in Tehran, Persepolis and Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. Enjoy!

Love me Forever

Today, despite the eventful day that I had, I cant fall asleep. Insomnia is just another way to relieve my stress or to increase it?

I was just thinking about my childhood days. I would glance outside the window perpetually. This would occur most often when it was summer time. My parents idea of putting the AC on was the extent of the vacation. Even at such a young age I was well aware of the fact that there was more to life. It consisted of much more then staying home.

I use to envy all the people out on the street. They would have so much freedom then I did. My innocence was still intact.

Now that so much time has passed and I have entered the real world, I consider the whims of a young child. It seems like I am two individuals. Alien of the past with the woman of the present. Different creatures that do not relate to one another at all.

Yet even at this age I yearn for love. My innocence is still partially intact. I am not fully jaded as of yet.

Society has changed drastically since I was young. I remember the fairy tales that were read to us in elementary days. Blueprints of what so called "love" really means. Prince Charming was meant to come save us!

Amusing is it not? Female equality is one thing and yet we breed such hopes in our young girls! Society creates such a conflict of both genders being equal and yet is contradicted by these fairy tales. They should be banned. The insinuation that a female needs a man as a savior. Is that not rubbish?

Today, there is no loyalty between the sexes. People move on within a week, and rearing offspring with virtual strangers. We frown at any tradition, religion or morals. Yet if you think about it don't these fairy tales spring from those very roots? We consider this essential in the rearing of our offspring and a part of our culture. Never once we consider the conflict that we are breeding in our young flock. So much for guidance!

Weight

So here I am at another fork in the road wondering where I am going next........... I am so unhappy and then it did not help matters when I realized that food did not deplete my happiness. It seemed to manifest it. My whole life I had used food as a buffer to deal with my problems. That realization was quite mind boggling.
Being a woman from two cultures, weight was a big degradation in my life. I was always known as fatso in my house. Yet the funniest thing is that food was my only source of happiness.

How sad right? I am told by many friends that I am pretty, some say beautiful. Many men ask me out and yet I shy away from all of that attention. Loving oneself is a huge step. I am about to have a bachelors degree and I feel void of any emotions. It seems like a waste following the dictates of society especially when one is so very unhappy.
Without a degree there is no respect in the American world. I was just thinking today about the time when I worked at Dunkin Donuts. My only source of anxiety was my dad being upset that I had missed my curfew because of a job that did not sit well with him. Back then I thought that he did not understand finding independence was the utmost importance to me.

What now? Is this the Independence that I was seeking? Wallowing in debt, barely making ends meet, absorbed in my own self pity? Now that I am no longer wearing the rosy hued shades that society gave me I realized that my father understood the deep cut of betrayal. The betrayal that I would feel when I realize that this so called "independence" is just a mirage.

Embers

The glow from the fire has dwindled to this little ember
that I am staring at today.

I had fought for my passions and right to dream.......................
No encouragement until the end ...............
I defied all the haters and stood strong..........
My inner fire ..........

My choices, a risk I knew I had to take to become myself,
to initiate the beauty inside of me ...............
Wonder what happened inside my heart when I met you that day........
You distracted me like a firefly and made me hope .............
the longing that I never dared to dwell on.....
LOVE.........

Yet you rejected me ......
Despite the 100 percent that I have given and
never obtained.

All of a sudden I stumble .......
walking up the stairs to my success.....
and come across obstacles that were never there before.

Trusted my heart that day when I let you have the power
to control my success...........
All the abuse you heaped on me .....
You never considered the hurt you would inflict on me......
Or the pedestal that you were placed on......
Why do you patronize?????? Blow on my FIRE!!!!!

No right to make the embers .......
of my dreams.........
My TRUE DESTINY!

Remorse and deep shame has filled me........
Doubting my heart .......
the one thing that I relied on .......
and failed me.............

Am I to be held in contempt for following my inner voice?????
My hearts' little whisper ?
For daring to dream, of a place on this planet?

You forget that you are a mere mortal.......
and like myself will one day be part of this very planet.......
ceasing to exist except in writings of history.........

We are equals you and I ........
The only loftiness was provided by myself.......
by my gracious respect of the place you held in my heart.......

that you will not hold forevermore

Recommendation

So, here I am considering Grad school and the next big step in my life. I have decided that I am not going to take the easy way out by sticking to the same institution with faculty who portray education and yet are so close minded. I told my room mate the news and she is happy for me. Her enthusiasm is contagious and made me feel special. I am feeling very confident now that I am focused on what I need and NOT what dreamers may entail that I want.
This came about with my Art Professor, who I went to seek advice from, and told her my situation. She is white, female and a Columbia graduate. I told her how I have many interests and that I am an accounting major. She said she still remembered me from the class. I was pleasantly surprised. I told her how I have been considering my major for Grad school and she was surprised that I wanted to change to Art History. She asked me to expand, and I told her I always considered Art History an interest for writing fiction in the nearby future. She told me that is a big step switching from Accounting to Art History and she wanted to know if I had my degree, what would I do with it???? I told her nothing it was for my sole pleasure. She said how was I going to venture my pleasure? "Good question", I replied.
Then I told her how one of my business professor's has asked me to find myself and that by pursuing this that would be the case. I had initially mentioned my interest to him and that sparked an interest in my personal life as well. I was like to her how I believe that he is a dreamer and he seeks to find himself in other people. She chuckled, "I don't want to discourage you but money is the key factor and unless you minor in art history, I really don't see why you are pursuing this?!!" She told me how Columbia University would finance for the PHD students but if you were a MS student you would have to finance it out of pocket. At the end of the day she told me that even Colleges are out there to make money and long story short she did her PHD. She knew at one point that she would enjoy incorporating her degree into teaching as a professor. I told her I have no patience with teaching and she laughed.
She told me I was really special and the fact that I was able to deal with computation and yet write an essay in Art history was no easy feat. She said one day when I was stable and if I still wanted to pursue this, there is no age limit to knowledge. Her advice was sound and logical. I am logical person by nature and having financial difficulties has been my existence for this past year and many Americans can relate to that. She said that they were always free classes at museums that I wouldn't have to pay for which would help me pursue my passion.
I have found that people that have immigrated to this country have an inferiority complex that they have never dealt with. I believe one of my professor's has that issue. Growing up in America I was taught always to be true to yourself, be independent, and unique. I consider myself first generation and I have never thought that the fact that I came here six months old makes me an immigrant. My other siblings were born in the states and I wasn't so what? I didn't feel inferior to them for this glitch on my parents part rather I have always striven to be the best that I can be.
So this professor has that very issue! I feel like he wants to put me in his shoes and yet doesn't understand that we are totally different. To clarify: I AM NOT AN INTERNATIONAL STUDENT!!!! I AM A US CITIZEN!!!!! I AM PROUD THAT I AM AN AMERICAN!! I was so upset that he tried to make me feel bad about the fact that my parents were originally from Pakistan. My father came here in his teens and my mom her early twenties. They never considered it a big deal if their children were born here or overseas!!!! As they saw it I wasn't born on the planet MARS!!!!
Yet this professor who I had the utmost respect for has lost that in my eyes. I told my shrink (who happens to be white and American) that I don't mind being called international; I always thought it meant that I can assimilate myself globally in any culture. She was like I would consider your sibling's the same even if they are born here. I told her I found it offensive how he thinks that just because I wasn't born here that makes me an International student with no green card or immigration status. I told her I am not sure if I really want somebody who thinks like that to recommend me and I told her I found these vessels of knowledge aka the professor's rude. She said that if I want to complain about this behavior I should and as an individual I have 100% right to do so.
She said the fact that my other professor, who teaches me tax, tried to Americanize my name was just as offensive! I told her how the same professor I spoke to about my recommendation, wrote this off to this being my lot in life and I should just deal with it. She was furious and she was like don't listen to him we all deserve decency , and the professor should at least try to learn your name. "If that is the way your professor chose to deal with people and their mispronunciation of his name, that was his choice. You can respect that but he should respect how you deal with this situation. At the end of the day this is your life and your decision." I chose to being understood, and if you don't like the way I lead my life then that is your problem.
It's funny how these word's of wisdom came from women and white American women! I really appreciate them for making me feel like an individual. They understand the value of culture's and the individual that comes with it. I really appreciate my room mate who is Chinese and relates to a being a women and the struggle to work in male dominated society despite the woman's movement. She was like to me maybe your professor isn't well known in the academic world and that is why he hesitates to write a letter of recommendation. She is like the other roommate before you, was recommended by his Boss, at NYU where he conducted his research for his thesis, who was well known for his research in his industry.
So, I tested the professor who said I should assimilate in society and asked him for a recommendation today. I knew what his reaction would be and he didn't disappoint me. He said if I applied to NYU or Columbia for GRAD school it would be hard. He said it wasn't a big deal that I had a high GPA and that I wasn't an outstanding student. I need to distinguish myself. Well,that was great ! No pressure right?!!! I was highly amused by this and irked by his ENCOURAGING words. I was thinking, he thinks that his classes were the only classes that I got A's in????? I explained to him, since I had three classes with him that is why I thought he was the logical choice. Since, he was rejected by IVY league 36 times that automatically means that I am going to be rejected as well. I wonder what he would think if he knew my uncle went to Poly tech NYU and he wasn't born here!!! He would probably have a heart attack. Over all I am considering asking my other professor's who wouldn't offend me by saying these patronizing remarks while dissecting me like a frog in a laboratory!!!
So, its funny how the immigrants in this country happen to discriminate the most and yet they point their fingers at the whites'. They always come back to race and how unfair life is. Once, I didn't tell a professor how to pronounce my name in College and he got upset. He was like the whole semester I mispronounced your name and you didn't tell me!!!! He pronounced my name fifty times as a joke to make up for the mistake. The only way he found out was because my black friend pointed this out to him and he felt embarrassed. This was at the community college I went to and the professor was a white lawyer who worked as a part time professor. I worked for a bank and once they found out how to pronounce my name they made sure they pronounced it right!! It took them ten times to say it right but they did it because they expected me to give them the same decent courtesy.
I've had good people in my life that have taught me the value of being different and myself. I never let it bring me down that I am female, a minority, and a Muslim!!!!
The professor who believes that everybody is the same is wrong and needs to look into himself to figure out why that is the case. I have learned to respect myself and by doing so I can gain other people's respect if they don't like it you know where the door is. I have many Chinese friend's and I pronounce their Chinese names. I insisted I was like I want to understand and learn your names. They were surprised that I refused to say their American names. It took me maybe twenty times but I pronounce it correctly. When I meet other Chinese they are surprise that I am familiar with their customs and they make sure that they don't offend mine. This is what I call mutual respect!!!
I don't care if I work for the Big Four or the midsized firm if they don't respect me then I won't even consider them as a future prospect. I have standards just like they do and its important that the shoe fits both ways!!! It surprises people that I would actually say no to the Big Four but so what ?????!!!!! I worked for one of the top banks in the US and they asked me to return and I said "NO!!!" . WHY?????? I wasn't happy there!!!!!

Interview

Today was a rough day for me. I usually write poetry to express myself but I have no words to convey how I feel right now. I am an Accounting major that is graduating this year, and that means that I have officially have joined the job market. The fact that US economy is not doing well is an understatement. Therefore, I jumped at the chance of the opportunities implied by the career development center at my school.
Funny thing is that I am a transfer student from a community college in the boroughs of New York City and decided to complete my bachelors at a suburban private school. I considered this as a treat for being a hard working individual that had stayed focused on attaining her education despite the personal problems in her life.
Boy, was I wrong?!!!! I admit the student body is really nice and open to other students and that is what initially attracted me to the school. The people in charge on the other hand are a different story. When I went to the admissions office I was with my mom,and I wanted her to be an integral part of the process of choosing my future school. Being a first generation you always feel like your adrift in the ocean in the middle of two ships and you have no anchor to either one of them. When I when to shake the admissions lady's hand she gave me the nastiest look. She didnt care that professionally she looked bad at not retuning the gesture and that her colleagues were watching. Finally, after she made sure I wasn't welcome she shook my hand.
Let me tell you guys being a Muslim American sucks. My mom dresses traditionally and she is an important part of my life and let me tell you I am not going to be a point of contention just to assimilate in society. Just because my mom was there this is how I was treated. She did not even care about giving a good impression of the school to a prospective student. This shocking considering that the tuition for the school I attend is not cheap. Around 30000 dollars a year more likely!!!!
Finally, to bring it back to the main point, I had an interview today which was initiated through the career center of the University. The fact that the timing was changed multiple times was not helpful and put me out of a loop. When I got there , in one piece, I was privy to a conversation. I did not know that it applied to me. The conversation was with the lady that dealt with the Accounting recruiting process and her colleague. They mentioned how one of the Big four public accounting firms were actually having the interviews every 20 minute intervals, the colleague was asking her why she did not add the last applicant to the list when there was actual room for her.
Guess who that applicant was apparently ??? ME!!!!!!
I am sitting for the interview in the lobby and Lady that dealt with my application came to me and tried to play it off like I was the one who was at fault. She was like did you know that you were accepted to the position at such and such firm. I told her that I was sent an automatic email from panther zone that said I was declined. She said that was for the auditor position and that was not for the tax position. Hello!!!! I never applied for the auditor position. She was like you are accepted for the interview and that she will talk to me later in reference to that. How is that possible? You can apply for only one position per firm. The Lady had to save face with her fellow colleague. Her colleague was looking on during the conversation.
Funny thing how I first went to apply for the program the same lady thought I was an international student due to the fact that I don't have a American name. Like what happened to being unique and proud of your roots. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
But I am not suppose to question society but just assimilate myself to what the majority of the so called people .

Monopoly

Isolated on this exotic island of my thoughts,
I've been on the last few days,
Contemplating my inner discord.

I have found myself shaking off the shadows of people
who try to mold their image into mine.
They give themselves many names in my life and yet they hunger to destroy me.
with their views they try to reshape the mold of my mind.

I have anchored myself on this rock,
of stubbornness some might say........
or frivolous self center that is bound to erupt with your boundless contempt.

You demean and try to gain my sympathy of the worlds flaws and yet I know you see the
youthful side of yourself that had dared to dream and had failed.
At this point I am sick of your self pity for it hasn't propelled no ship in the ocean
rather had made it sink due to a hole of your own self making.

I take my gift back of acceptance for you don't deserve it.
You have no value of this gift when you fling your judgments in my face,
which has proven your ingratitude and has made me even more cynical in the aspects of the human nature.

Funny I should surround myself with people who don't understand the monopoly's standpoint.
Albert Einstein was a heretic for his words and his ideas.
Vincent van Gogh was thought as crazy for his frustrations and the lack of an ear.
Yet you admire these men and use them as a resource for your inspirations.

Your parroting of your open mindedness has made you the complete opposite.
Have you realized that yet? I wonder?

I Am not diminished by your falter or your lack of support.
Despite the adversity I've always been the victor.
My enemies have admired my perseverance.
You have joined their ranks so be it.

But remember the monopolies were the Great thinkers of our time......
They were mocked for their ideas by their fellow peers and
you make the same error when you do the same,
For in the process you have only closed yourself to the world
in a box of your own deploring state
that disintegrates with the passage of time.

You wont find me in your presence,
for you lack the inner strength in yourself of being a warrior.
your negativity will no longer effect the inner monopoly in me for I realized
your search of crumbs has left you with no shell
the shell of exploring the mysteries of this world
and being stout in your beliefs.
Not just with yourself but with the world,
for that is where it really counts!

PAIN

I wanted to see your face
for such a long time.........
In the process I have stopped eating
and feel like the well of my inspiration is drying
It will change into this dessert terrain
That nobody will recognize
That terrain causes a thirst,
A thirst of completion,
of the unknown but of a stable future
that can give me what nobody ever gave me.....
ACCEPTANCE....

This word defines who I am .......
An individual with a broken heart
that gave everything to her mom, her family, and then to you
REJECTED!

I always wonder was I at fault......
Being a woman and emotional creature that I am .......
I always lay the blame......my own two feet.....
I wonder what if ......

You wouldn't understand the turmoil inside.
The raging cyclone that smothers me and makes me explode.
Yet I still yearn for your face and wonder
WHAT IF......

If I changed this would you have accepted me?
or
If I changed that would you have desired me?

These questions are the tools of torture that I have prescribed myself.
I will always remember the way my emotions became the avalanche of rocks......
Who was crushed more?
Was it me? Or was it you?

I always have considered myself the phoenix..
Rising from the ashes no matter how many deaths......
Or a cat with claws, yet nine lives that she uses in order to fulfill her curiosity..
Hope is the only reason that I push myself to raise in the morning ......
To chase the clouds of my happiness and my dreams......
The rain has dampened me
Yet I dance in the rain and embrace the lightening .......
Someday you will understand the turmoil I faced ......
At the edge of a future with no view
But infinite promise.