Love me Forever

Today, despite the eventful day that I had, I cant fall asleep. Insomnia is just another way to relieve my stress or to increase it?

I was just thinking about my childhood days. I would glance outside the window perpetually. This would occur most often when it was summer time. My parents idea of putting the AC on was the extent of the vacation. Even at such a young age I was well aware of the fact that there was more to life. It consisted of much more then staying home.

I use to envy all the people out on the street. They would have so much freedom then I did. My innocence was still intact.

Now that so much time has passed and I have entered the real world, I consider the whims of a young child. It seems like I am two individuals. Alien of the past with the woman of the present. Different creatures that do not relate to one another at all.

Yet even at this age I yearn for love. My innocence is still partially intact. I am not fully jaded as of yet.

Society has changed drastically since I was young. I remember the fairy tales that were read to us in elementary days. Blueprints of what so called "love" really means. Prince Charming was meant to come save us!

Amusing is it not? Female equality is one thing and yet we breed such hopes in our young girls! Society creates such a conflict of both genders being equal and yet is contradicted by these fairy tales. They should be banned. The insinuation that a female needs a man as a savior. Is that not rubbish?

Today, there is no loyalty between the sexes. People move on within a week, and rearing offspring with virtual strangers. We frown at any tradition, religion or morals. Yet if you think about it don't these fairy tales spring from those very roots? We consider this essential in the rearing of our offspring and a part of our culture. Never once we consider the conflict that we are breeding in our young flock. So much for guidance!

Weight

So here I am at another fork in the road wondering where I am going next........... I am so unhappy and then it did not help matters when I realized that food did not deplete my happiness. It seemed to manifest it. My whole life I had used food as a buffer to deal with my problems. That realization was quite mind boggling.
Being a woman from two cultures, weight was a big degradation in my life. I was always known as fatso in my house. Yet the funniest thing is that food was my only source of happiness.

How sad right? I am told by many friends that I am pretty, some say beautiful. Many men ask me out and yet I shy away from all of that attention. Loving oneself is a huge step. I am about to have a bachelors degree and I feel void of any emotions. It seems like a waste following the dictates of society especially when one is so very unhappy.
Without a degree there is no respect in the American world. I was just thinking today about the time when I worked at Dunkin Donuts. My only source of anxiety was my dad being upset that I had missed my curfew because of a job that did not sit well with him. Back then I thought that he did not understand finding independence was the utmost importance to me.

What now? Is this the Independence that I was seeking? Wallowing in debt, barely making ends meet, absorbed in my own self pity? Now that I am no longer wearing the rosy hued shades that society gave me I realized that my father understood the deep cut of betrayal. The betrayal that I would feel when I realize that this so called "independence" is just a mirage.

Embers

The glow from the fire has dwindled to this little ember
that I am staring at today.

I had fought for my passions and right to dream.......................
No encouragement until the end ...............
I defied all the haters and stood strong..........
My inner fire ..........

My choices, a risk I knew I had to take to become myself,
to initiate the beauty inside of me ...............
Wonder what happened inside my heart when I met you that day........
You distracted me like a firefly and made me hope .............
the longing that I never dared to dwell on.....
LOVE.........

Yet you rejected me ......
Despite the 100 percent that I have given and
never obtained.

All of a sudden I stumble .......
walking up the stairs to my success.....
and come across obstacles that were never there before.

Trusted my heart that day when I let you have the power
to control my success...........
All the abuse you heaped on me .....
You never considered the hurt you would inflict on me......
Or the pedestal that you were placed on......
Why do you patronize?????? Blow on my FIRE!!!!!

No right to make the embers .......
of my dreams.........
My TRUE DESTINY!

Remorse and deep shame has filled me........
Doubting my heart .......
the one thing that I relied on .......
and failed me.............

Am I to be held in contempt for following my inner voice?????
My hearts' little whisper ?
For daring to dream, of a place on this planet?

You forget that you are a mere mortal.......
and like myself will one day be part of this very planet.......
ceasing to exist except in writings of history.........

We are equals you and I ........
The only loftiness was provided by myself.......
by my gracious respect of the place you held in my heart.......

that you will not hold forevermore