So, here I am considering Grad school and the next big step in my life. I have decided that I am not going to take the easy way out by sticking to the same institution with faculty who portray education and yet are so close minded. I told my room mate the news and she is happy for me. Her enthusiasm is contagious and made me feel special. I am feeling very confident now that I am focused on what I need and NOT what dreamers may entail that I want.
This came about with my Art Professor, who I went to seek advice from, and told her my situation. She is white, female and a Columbia graduate. I told her how I have many interests and that I am an accounting major. She said she still remembered me from the class. I was pleasantly surprised. I told her how I have been considering my major for Grad school and she was surprised that I wanted to change to Art History. She asked me to expand, and I told her I always considered Art History an interest for writing fiction in the nearby future. She told me that is a big step switching from Accounting to Art History and she wanted to know if I had my degree, what would I do with it???? I told her nothing it was for my sole pleasure. She said how was I going to venture my pleasure? "Good question", I replied.
Then I told her how one of my business professor's has asked me to find myself and that by pursuing this that would be the case. I had initially mentioned my interest to him and that sparked an interest in my personal life as well. I was like to her how I believe that he is a dreamer and he seeks to find himself in other people. She chuckled, "I don't want to discourage you but money is the key factor and unless you minor in art history, I really don't see why you are pursuing this?!!" She told me how Columbia University would finance for the PHD students but if you were a MS student you would have to finance it out of pocket. At the end of the day she told me that even Colleges are out there to make money and long story short she did her PHD. She knew at one point that she would enjoy incorporating her degree into teaching as a professor. I told her I have no patience with teaching and she laughed.
She told me I was really special and the fact that I was able to deal with computation and yet write an essay in Art history was no easy feat. She said one day when I was stable and if I still wanted to pursue this, there is no age limit to knowledge. Her advice was sound and logical. I am logical person by nature and having financial difficulties has been my existence for this past year and many Americans can relate to that. She said that they were always free classes at museums that I wouldn't have to pay for which would help me pursue my passion.
I have found that people that have immigrated to this country have an inferiority complex that they have never dealt with. I believe one of my professor's has that issue. Growing up in America I was taught always to be true to yourself, be independent, and unique. I consider myself first generation and I have never thought that the fact that I came here six months old makes me an immigrant. My other siblings were born in the states and I wasn't so what? I didn't feel inferior to them for this glitch on my parents part rather I have always striven to be the best that I can be.
So this professor has that very issue! I feel like he wants to put me in his shoes and yet doesn't understand that we are totally different. To clarify: I AM NOT AN INTERNATIONAL STUDENT!!!! I AM A US CITIZEN!!!!! I AM PROUD THAT I AM AN AMERICAN!! I was so upset that he tried to make me feel bad about the fact that my parents were originally from Pakistan. My father came here in his teens and my mom her early twenties. They never considered it a big deal if their children were born here or overseas!!!! As they saw it I wasn't born on the planet MARS!!!!
Yet this professor who I had the utmost respect for has lost that in my eyes. I told my shrink (who happens to be white and American) that I don't mind being called international; I always thought it meant that I can assimilate myself globally in any culture. She was like I would consider your sibling's the same even if they are born here. I told her I found it offensive how he thinks that just because I wasn't born here that makes me an International student with no green card or immigration status. I told her I am not sure if I really want somebody who thinks like that to recommend me and I told her I found these vessels of knowledge aka the professor's rude. She said that if I want to complain about this behavior I should and as an individual I have 100% right to do so.
She said the fact that my other professor, who teaches me tax, tried to Americanize my name was just as offensive! I told her how the same professor I spoke to about my recommendation, wrote this off to this being my lot in life and I should just deal with it. She was furious and she was like don't listen to him we all deserve decency , and the professor should at least try to learn your name. "If that is the way your professor chose to deal with people and their mispronunciation of his name, that was his choice. You can respect that but he should respect how you deal with this situation. At the end of the day this is your life and your decision." I chose to being understood, and if you don't like the way I lead my life then that is your problem.
It's funny how these word's of wisdom came from women and white American women! I really appreciate them for making me feel like an individual. They understand the value of culture's and the individual that comes with it. I really appreciate my room mate who is Chinese and relates to a being a women and the struggle to work in male dominated society despite the woman's movement. She was like to me maybe your professor isn't well known in the academic world and that is why he hesitates to write a letter of recommendation. She is like the other roommate before you, was recommended by his Boss, at NYU where he conducted his research for his thesis, who was well known for his research in his industry.
So, I tested the professor who said I should assimilate in society and asked him for a recommendation today. I knew what his reaction would be and he didn't disappoint me. He said if I applied to NYU or Columbia for GRAD school it would be hard. He said it wasn't a big deal that I had a high GPA and that I wasn't an outstanding student. I need to distinguish myself. Well,that was great ! No pressure right?!!! I was highly amused by this and irked by his ENCOURAGING words. I was thinking, he thinks that his classes were the only classes that I got A's in????? I explained to him, since I had three classes with him that is why I thought he was the logical choice. Since, he was rejected by IVY league 36 times that automatically means that I am going to be rejected as well. I wonder what he would think if he knew my uncle went to Poly tech NYU and he wasn't born here!!! He would probably have a heart attack. Over all I am considering asking my other professor's who wouldn't offend me by saying these patronizing remarks while dissecting me like a frog in a laboratory!!!
So, its funny how the immigrants in this country happen to discriminate the most and yet they point their fingers at the whites'. They always come back to race and how unfair life is. Once, I didn't tell a professor how to pronounce my name in College and he got upset. He was like the whole semester I mispronounced your name and you didn't tell me!!!! He pronounced my name fifty times as a joke to make up for the mistake. The only way he found out was because my black friend pointed this out to him and he felt embarrassed. This was at the community college I went to and the professor was a white lawyer who worked as a part time professor. I worked for a bank and once they found out how to pronounce my name they made sure they pronounced it right!! It took them ten times to say it right but they did it because they expected me to give them the same decent courtesy.
I've had good people in my life that have taught me the value of being different and myself. I never let it bring me down that I am female, a minority, and a Muslim!!!!
The professor who believes that everybody is the same is wrong and needs to look into himself to figure out why that is the case. I have learned to respect myself and by doing so I can gain other people's respect if they don't like it you know where the door is. I have many Chinese friend's and I pronounce their Chinese names. I insisted I was like I want to understand and learn your names. They were surprised that I refused to say their American names. It took me maybe twenty times but I pronounce it correctly. When I meet other Chinese they are surprise that I am familiar with their customs and they make sure that they don't offend mine. This is what I call mutual respect!!!
I don't care if I work for the Big Four or the midsized firm if they don't respect me then I won't even consider them as a future prospect. I have standards just like they do and its important that the shoe fits both ways!!! It surprises people that I would actually say no to the Big Four but so what ?????!!!!! I worked for one of the top banks in the US and they asked me to return and I said "NO!!!" . WHY?????? I wasn't happy there!!!!!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Interview
Today was a rough day for me. I usually write poetry to express myself but I have no words to convey how I feel right now. I am an Accounting major that is graduating this year, and that means that I have officially have joined the job market. The fact that US economy is not doing well is an understatement. Therefore, I jumped at the chance of the opportunities implied by the career development center at my school.
Funny thing is that I am a transfer student from a community college in the boroughs of New York City and decided to complete my bachelors at a suburban private school. I considered this as a treat for being a hard working individual that had stayed focused on attaining her education despite the personal problems in her life.
Boy, was I wrong?!!!! I admit the student body is really nice and open to other students and that is what initially attracted me to the school. The people in charge on the other hand are a different story. When I went to the admissions office I was with my mom,and I wanted her to be an integral part of the process of choosing my future school. Being a first generation you always feel like your adrift in the ocean in the middle of two ships and you have no anchor to either one of them. When I when to shake the admissions lady's hand she gave me the nastiest look. She didnt care that professionally she looked bad at not retuning the gesture and that her colleagues were watching. Finally, after she made sure I wasn't welcome she shook my hand.
Let me tell you guys being a Muslim American sucks. My mom dresses traditionally and she is an important part of my life and let me tell you I am not going to be a point of contention just to assimilate in society. Just because my mom was there this is how I was treated. She did not even care about giving a good impression of the school to a prospective student. This shocking considering that the tuition for the school I attend is not cheap. Around 30000 dollars a year more likely!!!!
Finally, to bring it back to the main point, I had an interview today which was initiated through the career center of the University. The fact that the timing was changed multiple times was not helpful and put me out of a loop. When I got there , in one piece, I was privy to a conversation. I did not know that it applied to me. The conversation was with the lady that dealt with the Accounting recruiting process and her colleague. They mentioned how one of the Big four public accounting firms were actually having the interviews every 20 minute intervals, the colleague was asking her why she did not add the last applicant to the list when there was actual room for her.
Guess who that applicant was apparently ??? ME!!!!!!
I am sitting for the interview in the lobby and Lady that dealt with my application came to me and tried to play it off like I was the one who was at fault. She was like did you know that you were accepted to the position at such and such firm. I told her that I was sent an automatic email from panther zone that said I was declined. She said that was for the auditor position and that was not for the tax position. Hello!!!! I never applied for the auditor position. She was like you are accepted for the interview and that she will talk to me later in reference to that. How is that possible? You can apply for only one position per firm. The Lady had to save face with her fellow colleague. Her colleague was looking on during the conversation.
Funny thing how I first went to apply for the program the same lady thought I was an international student due to the fact that I don't have a American name. Like what happened to being unique and proud of your roots. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
But I am not suppose to question society but just assimilate myself to what the majority of the so called people .
Funny thing is that I am a transfer student from a community college in the boroughs of New York City and decided to complete my bachelors at a suburban private school. I considered this as a treat for being a hard working individual that had stayed focused on attaining her education despite the personal problems in her life.
Boy, was I wrong?!!!! I admit the student body is really nice and open to other students and that is what initially attracted me to the school. The people in charge on the other hand are a different story. When I went to the admissions office I was with my mom,and I wanted her to be an integral part of the process of choosing my future school. Being a first generation you always feel like your adrift in the ocean in the middle of two ships and you have no anchor to either one of them. When I when to shake the admissions lady's hand she gave me the nastiest look. She didnt care that professionally she looked bad at not retuning the gesture and that her colleagues were watching. Finally, after she made sure I wasn't welcome she shook my hand.
Let me tell you guys being a Muslim American sucks. My mom dresses traditionally and she is an important part of my life and let me tell you I am not going to be a point of contention just to assimilate in society. Just because my mom was there this is how I was treated. She did not even care about giving a good impression of the school to a prospective student. This shocking considering that the tuition for the school I attend is not cheap. Around 30000 dollars a year more likely!!!!
Finally, to bring it back to the main point, I had an interview today which was initiated through the career center of the University. The fact that the timing was changed multiple times was not helpful and put me out of a loop. When I got there , in one piece, I was privy to a conversation. I did not know that it applied to me. The conversation was with the lady that dealt with the Accounting recruiting process and her colleague. They mentioned how one of the Big four public accounting firms were actually having the interviews every 20 minute intervals, the colleague was asking her why she did not add the last applicant to the list when there was actual room for her.
Guess who that applicant was apparently ??? ME!!!!!!
I am sitting for the interview in the lobby and Lady that dealt with my application came to me and tried to play it off like I was the one who was at fault. She was like did you know that you were accepted to the position at such and such firm. I told her that I was sent an automatic email from panther zone that said I was declined. She said that was for the auditor position and that was not for the tax position. Hello!!!! I never applied for the auditor position. She was like you are accepted for the interview and that she will talk to me later in reference to that. How is that possible? You can apply for only one position per firm. The Lady had to save face with her fellow colleague. Her colleague was looking on during the conversation.
Funny thing how I first went to apply for the program the same lady thought I was an international student due to the fact that I don't have a American name. Like what happened to being unique and proud of your roots. Unfortunately, that is not the case.
But I am not suppose to question society but just assimilate myself to what the majority of the so called people .
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Monopoly
Isolated on this exotic island of my thoughts,
I've been on the last few days,
Contemplating my inner discord.
I have found myself shaking off the shadows of people
who try to mold their image into mine.
They give themselves many names in my life and yet they hunger to destroy me.
with their views they try to reshape the mold of my mind.
I have anchored myself on this rock,
of stubbornness some might say........
or frivolous self center that is bound to erupt with your boundless contempt.
You demean and try to gain my sympathy of the worlds flaws and yet I know you see the
youthful side of yourself that had dared to dream and had failed.
At this point I am sick of your self pity for it hasn't propelled no ship in the ocean
rather had made it sink due to a hole of your own self making.
I take my gift back of acceptance for you don't deserve it.
You have no value of this gift when you fling your judgments in my face,
which has proven your ingratitude and has made me even more cynical in the aspects of the human nature.
Funny I should surround myself with people who don't understand the monopoly's standpoint.
Albert Einstein was a heretic for his words and his ideas.
Vincent van Gogh was thought as crazy for his frustrations and the lack of an ear.
Yet you admire these men and use them as a resource for your inspirations.
Your parroting of your open mindedness has made you the complete opposite.
Have you realized that yet? I wonder?
I Am not diminished by your falter or your lack of support.
Despite the adversity I've always been the victor.
My enemies have admired my perseverance.
You have joined their ranks so be it.
But remember the monopolies were the Great thinkers of our time......
They were mocked for their ideas by their fellow peers and
you make the same error when you do the same,
For in the process you have only closed yourself to the world
in a box of your own deploring state
that disintegrates with the passage of time.
You wont find me in your presence,
for you lack the inner strength in yourself of being a warrior.
your negativity will no longer effect the inner monopoly in me for I realized
your search of crumbs has left you with no shell
the shell of exploring the mysteries of this world
and being stout in your beliefs.
Not just with yourself but with the world,
for that is where it really counts!
I've been on the last few days,
Contemplating my inner discord.
I have found myself shaking off the shadows of people
who try to mold their image into mine.
They give themselves many names in my life and yet they hunger to destroy me.
with their views they try to reshape the mold of my mind.
I have anchored myself on this rock,
of stubbornness some might say........
or frivolous self center that is bound to erupt with your boundless contempt.
You demean and try to gain my sympathy of the worlds flaws and yet I know you see the
youthful side of yourself that had dared to dream and had failed.
At this point I am sick of your self pity for it hasn't propelled no ship in the ocean
rather had made it sink due to a hole of your own self making.
I take my gift back of acceptance for you don't deserve it.
You have no value of this gift when you fling your judgments in my face,
which has proven your ingratitude and has made me even more cynical in the aspects of the human nature.
Funny I should surround myself with people who don't understand the monopoly's standpoint.
Albert Einstein was a heretic for his words and his ideas.
Vincent van Gogh was thought as crazy for his frustrations and the lack of an ear.
Yet you admire these men and use them as a resource for your inspirations.
Your parroting of your open mindedness has made you the complete opposite.
Have you realized that yet? I wonder?
I Am not diminished by your falter or your lack of support.
Despite the adversity I've always been the victor.
My enemies have admired my perseverance.
You have joined their ranks so be it.
But remember the monopolies were the Great thinkers of our time......
They were mocked for their ideas by their fellow peers and
you make the same error when you do the same,
For in the process you have only closed yourself to the world
in a box of your own deploring state
that disintegrates with the passage of time.
You wont find me in your presence,
for you lack the inner strength in yourself of being a warrior.
your negativity will no longer effect the inner monopoly in me for I realized
your search of crumbs has left you with no shell
the shell of exploring the mysteries of this world
and being stout in your beliefs.
Not just with yourself but with the world,
for that is where it really counts!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
PAIN
I wanted to see your face
for such a long time.........
In the process I have stopped eating
and feel like the well of my inspiration is drying
It will change into this dessert terrain
That nobody will recognize
That terrain causes a thirst,
A thirst of completion,
of the unknown but of a stable future
that can give me what nobody ever gave me.....
ACCEPTANCE....
This word defines who I am .......
An individual with a broken heart
that gave everything to her mom, her family, and then to you
REJECTED!
I always wonder was I at fault......
Being a woman and emotional creature that I am .......
I always lay the blame......my own two feet.....
I wonder what if ......
You wouldn't understand the turmoil inside.
The raging cyclone that smothers me and makes me explode.
Yet I still yearn for your face and wonder
WHAT IF......
If I changed this would you have accepted me?
or
If I changed that would you have desired me?
These questions are the tools of torture that I have prescribed myself.
I will always remember the way my emotions became the avalanche of rocks......
Who was crushed more?
Was it me? Or was it you?
I always have considered myself the phoenix..
Rising from the ashes no matter how many deaths......
Or a cat with claws, yet nine lives that she uses in order to fulfill her curiosity..
Hope is the only reason that I push myself to raise in the morning ......
To chase the clouds of my happiness and my dreams......
The rain has dampened me
Yet I dance in the rain and embrace the lightening .......
Someday you will understand the turmoil I faced ......
At the edge of a future with no view
But infinite promise.
for such a long time.........
In the process I have stopped eating
and feel like the well of my inspiration is drying
It will change into this dessert terrain
That nobody will recognize
That terrain causes a thirst,
A thirst of completion,
of the unknown but of a stable future
that can give me what nobody ever gave me.....
ACCEPTANCE....
This word defines who I am .......
An individual with a broken heart
that gave everything to her mom, her family, and then to you
REJECTED!
I always wonder was I at fault......
Being a woman and emotional creature that I am .......
I always lay the blame......my own two feet.....
I wonder what if ......
You wouldn't understand the turmoil inside.
The raging cyclone that smothers me and makes me explode.
Yet I still yearn for your face and wonder
WHAT IF......
If I changed this would you have accepted me?
or
If I changed that would you have desired me?
These questions are the tools of torture that I have prescribed myself.
I will always remember the way my emotions became the avalanche of rocks......
Who was crushed more?
Was it me? Or was it you?
I always have considered myself the phoenix..
Rising from the ashes no matter how many deaths......
Or a cat with claws, yet nine lives that she uses in order to fulfill her curiosity..
Hope is the only reason that I push myself to raise in the morning ......
To chase the clouds of my happiness and my dreams......
The rain has dampened me
Yet I dance in the rain and embrace the lightening .......
Someday you will understand the turmoil I faced ......
At the edge of a future with no view
But infinite promise.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hate
Today, you called me around three saying how much you missed me.
I was annoyed and said I missed you more,
Then you went onto say how you wanted to see me and lets hang out and chill.......
I sighed inwardly and realized that I didn't want to see your face.
The past was like a shadow and I still was angry at what happened the day before.
I said yes when I meant NO........
Why couldn't I just have said what should have been said.......
Time heals all wounds I've been told and yet the scars remain.....
I know that the crumbs of yesterday are barely there,
the happiness is lacking in what we have and the love has changed into something I dont want............
Honestly, I don't want you in my life cause I know its the same for you...........
That pains me....... the glimpse that you gave me of love and yet the words that come from your mouth
Lack the conviction, that is obvious
The lack of respect and the nostalgic look you give over your shoulder.......
You promised bliss and a life of adventure .........
Yet you dont think twice when you curse me out,
not once thinking of the respect I might hold for you.....
I cry for myself not for "us" cause there is no "us" ......
We thought individually not together like we should have been.....
I had hoped that despite the gulf between us you would wade into the sea .....
And say "Baby no matter what I love you and will be there for you"......
I've seen hate, family hold for another,
Race spitting at each other despite the fact that the boroughs embrace all........
Comments made on the street for no reason then to utter words that aren't necessary and cause pain....
So, I have to bend myself and despite my misgivings I say ........
I forgive you and will give you the time you need to grow .......
I don't want to destroy the images of romance that I cherish ....
Of the white knight that will slay the dragon and save me in my tower.....
In the ball of hate I find FORGIVENESS,
I hope to take this as a life lesson learned and taught well
by the master called karma and fate.
I was annoyed and said I missed you more,
Then you went onto say how you wanted to see me and lets hang out and chill.......
I sighed inwardly and realized that I didn't want to see your face.
The past was like a shadow and I still was angry at what happened the day before.
I said yes when I meant NO........
Why couldn't I just have said what should have been said.......
Time heals all wounds I've been told and yet the scars remain.....
I know that the crumbs of yesterday are barely there,
the happiness is lacking in what we have and the love has changed into something I dont want............
Honestly, I don't want you in my life cause I know its the same for you...........
That pains me....... the glimpse that you gave me of love and yet the words that come from your mouth
Lack the conviction, that is obvious
The lack of respect and the nostalgic look you give over your shoulder.......
You promised bliss and a life of adventure .........
Yet you dont think twice when you curse me out,
not once thinking of the respect I might hold for you.....
I cry for myself not for "us" cause there is no "us" ......
We thought individually not together like we should have been.....
I had hoped that despite the gulf between us you would wade into the sea .....
And say "Baby no matter what I love you and will be there for you"......
I've seen hate, family hold for another,
Race spitting at each other despite the fact that the boroughs embrace all........
Comments made on the street for no reason then to utter words that aren't necessary and cause pain....
So, I have to bend myself and despite my misgivings I say ........
I forgive you and will give you the time you need to grow .......
I don't want to destroy the images of romance that I cherish ....
Of the white knight that will slay the dragon and save me in my tower.....
In the ball of hate I find FORGIVENESS,
I hope to take this as a life lesson learned and taught well
by the master called karma and fate.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Education
Like a well of water...................
It flows continuously
Its bounty never ending.
The infinity that I most explore has not escaped me.......
Yet, I lack the patience and time to endure the fruits of its exploration.
I've had many distractions,
that many can relate to.
Love which is a bondage,
Family which contrives to make one live within a box.
Life which battles are trivial to some,
Difficult to others,
Yet passes like a breeze for all of us......
The sands of time wont stop for no one.
As you may well know,
What we make of it,
Speaks of the endurance that lies within......
To pursue the unattainable is the best that we can be,
For we know that the journey is never complete.......
To have pursued ones want and needs is the best that one can do by oneself.
I want to be remembered for the scholar that I am.
To be respected for being my own person,
To stand out, against the crowd,
Education has given me that,
Has filled my hunger,
for being recognized for who I am.
No regrets my friends for the knowledge I have obtained
has given me a thirst for the life tomorrow.
It flows continuously
Its bounty never ending.
The infinity that I most explore has not escaped me.......
Yet, I lack the patience and time to endure the fruits of its exploration.
I've had many distractions,
that many can relate to.
Love which is a bondage,
Family which contrives to make one live within a box.
Life which battles are trivial to some,
Difficult to others,
Yet passes like a breeze for all of us......
The sands of time wont stop for no one.
As you may well know,
What we make of it,
Speaks of the endurance that lies within......
To pursue the unattainable is the best that we can be,
For we know that the journey is never complete.......
To have pursued ones want and needs is the best that one can do by oneself.
I want to be remembered for the scholar that I am.
To be respected for being my own person,
To stand out, against the crowd,
Education has given me that,
Has filled my hunger,
for being recognized for who I am.
No regrets my friends for the knowledge I have obtained
has given me a thirst for the life tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Shades
As a child I was pleased,
with everything that I would see.
I easily dismissed things that bothered me.
My mind did not grasp society's ways,
But dealt with it through a child's forget fullness.
When I grew up ,
I realized RACE is a word to be reckoned with.
RELIGION came next,
Beliefs came close,
Children have a view of the world,
that lacks discrimination.
They understand and accept the word different easily.
What happened to be unique?
What happened to the broad minded people that lived in this world?
That taught differences were good and led to innovation.
I tell people my heritage ,
they give me a look,
of horror,
of fear,
Yet I still go on PROUD,
With a smile on my face,
Never lying just being the truth, the truth of who I am.
Fierce,
I have a culture to be proud of.
I can trace my ancestors through the span of time.
Yet the U.S. wants everybody to uniform to society.
To criticize who we are and hide our true selves.
To be ashamed of what our ancestors stand for and their accomplishments.
Lastly,
I want to leave you with food for thought,
Media may show the deviance in race,
Yet don't forget they are still the tiny fish in the sea.
Don't judge them by the criminals protrayed.
Every society has the bad guys,
Just don't disregard the silent voices of the good people in this world.
For they still exist in every society,
No matter the race,
The religion,
The beliefs that they might share.1
with everything that I would see.
I easily dismissed things that bothered me.
My mind did not grasp society's ways,
But dealt with it through a child's forget fullness.
When I grew up ,
I realized RACE is a word to be reckoned with.
RELIGION came next,
Beliefs came close,
Children have a view of the world,
that lacks discrimination.
They understand and accept the word different easily.
What happened to be unique?
What happened to the broad minded people that lived in this world?
That taught differences were good and led to innovation.
I tell people my heritage ,
they give me a look,
of horror,
of fear,
Yet I still go on PROUD,
With a smile on my face,
Never lying just being the truth, the truth of who I am.
Fierce,
I have a culture to be proud of.
I can trace my ancestors through the span of time.
Yet the U.S. wants everybody to uniform to society.
To criticize who we are and hide our true selves.
To be ashamed of what our ancestors stand for and their accomplishments.
Lastly,
I want to leave you with food for thought,
Media may show the deviance in race,
Yet don't forget they are still the tiny fish in the sea.
Don't judge them by the criminals protrayed.
Every society has the bad guys,
Just don't disregard the silent voices of the good people in this world.
For they still exist in every society,
No matter the race,
The religion,
The beliefs that they might share.1
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
TRUTH VS LIE
When I spoke the Truth it was a lie.
When I lied you believed me.
Why is that the case ?
Why cant you see the really me?
Why do I feel like I am in a glass case?
Screaming to be heard.........
When will the glass crack?
When will all of the restraints of life be gone and released?
Why do we love someone who controls every waking moment,
DREAMS?
Being with you, is to lose my dreams.
I fought many battles to be myself,
I cant sacrifice the ultimate prize,
the prize of being FREE
My spirit deserves to be free,
To be accepted for who I am,
For life is to short to settle.
For settling is for those who are afraid to live!
I have fought battles with strangers,
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
To be with you,
The sacrifice though shouldn't include losing myself,
as an entity, as a woman, as a scholar.
When I lied you believed me.
Why is that the case ?
Why cant you see the really me?
Why do I feel like I am in a glass case?
Screaming to be heard.........
When will the glass crack?
When will all of the restraints of life be gone and released?
Why do we love someone who controls every waking moment,
DREAMS?
Being with you, is to lose my dreams.
I fought many battles to be myself,
I cant sacrifice the ultimate prize,
the prize of being FREE
My spirit deserves to be free,
To be accepted for who I am,
For life is to short to settle.
For settling is for those who are afraid to live!
I have fought battles with strangers,
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
To be with you,
The sacrifice though shouldn't include losing myself,
as an entity, as a woman, as a scholar.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dumb People
People can be so arrogant at times that it is so ridiculous. They hate on you if you have a better life then them. They never consider that it is hard work that has given you these rewards and that they should do the same. My room mate happens to be one of them. She is such an arrogant person that always wants people to revolve around her. Her world consists of her being the nicest person and the rest just being her subordinates. She is always envious of other people and always hordes worldly goods to make herself feel better. Once I asked her to help me out with a question in reference to my school. Her boyfriend went to the same school as me and I asked him to explain something to me. He was like your a freshman and that is why you don't know anything. I was like whatever am not even a freshman am a junior. Its not really any of yr business as far as I am concerned. So just keep your stupid opinions to yourself!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Words
Words are so meaningless and yet they mean so much,
To me and you.
We cherish the word "love" and yet it becomes a burden to me.
I hate you more then I love.
I hate the fact that you took advantage of my innocence,
I look in the mirror and all I see is a gaunt face and the lack of youth,
It should be abundant in this time of my life.
You gave me debt and pain.
I still feel it right now as I write this.
You gave me more burdens financially and emotionally.
You say you want to fix this !
Ha I laugh in your face.
The love has changed into hatred,
All you care is about the way you are perceived by the world.
Do you care about what I see.
No. That's what I feel in this emotionally nightmare created by the word "us".
I feel like laughing hysterically.
I feel like doing something crazy and then claiming insanity as a mode of escape.
You do not have a care for me.
I do not care what the world may think.
I am sick of you and of myself and the stupid dreams you used to ensnare me with.
I will no longer dream of belonging with you anymore.
For in the end it will only destroy me.
To me and you.
We cherish the word "love" and yet it becomes a burden to me.
I hate you more then I love.
I hate the fact that you took advantage of my innocence,
I look in the mirror and all I see is a gaunt face and the lack of youth,
It should be abundant in this time of my life.
You gave me debt and pain.
I still feel it right now as I write this.
You gave me more burdens financially and emotionally.
You say you want to fix this !
Ha I laugh in your face.
The love has changed into hatred,
All you care is about the way you are perceived by the world.
Do you care about what I see.
No. That's what I feel in this emotionally nightmare created by the word "us".
I feel like laughing hysterically.
I feel like doing something crazy and then claiming insanity as a mode of escape.
You do not have a care for me.
I do not care what the world may think.
I am sick of you and of myself and the stupid dreams you used to ensnare me with.
I will no longer dream of belonging with you anymore.
For in the end it will only destroy me.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Friendship
This poem is for all the people that understand the value of friendship
You've got the gift
to thaw the thinnest ice.
My heart was like this
the day we met,
Somehow you past
all my defense.
In the end
you proved it true,
That friendship can come through.
Can bloom like the prettiest roses
Can make you sigh with bliss.
No one understood,
The way I felt
You were the first to comprehend.
The gift you gave me is most dear,
Then any jewelry
That one can possess.
You gave me kindness
where I felt pain
You gave me hope
When I felt dumped
You gave me wisdom
Where I felt foolish
You GAVE more then anyone!
Unlike the people who'd known me since birth.
Ignored and neglected me like dirt.
You always be
the one to give me hope, joy and encouragement.
Until the end of time
in this world of mine.
I give you the utmost thanks
For accepting my faults and folly's
For being my sturdy rock in times of sorrow.
For being someone special.
For giving a special significance
to the word "friend".
You've got the gift
to thaw the thinnest ice.
My heart was like this
the day we met,
Somehow you past
all my defense.
In the end
you proved it true,
That friendship can come through.
Can bloom like the prettiest roses
Can make you sigh with bliss.
No one understood,
The way I felt
You were the first to comprehend.
The gift you gave me is most dear,
Then any jewelry
That one can possess.
You gave me kindness
where I felt pain
You gave me hope
When I felt dumped
You gave me wisdom
Where I felt foolish
You GAVE more then anyone!
Unlike the people who'd known me since birth.
Ignored and neglected me like dirt.
You always be
the one to give me hope, joy and encouragement.
Until the end of time
in this world of mine.
I give you the utmost thanks
For accepting my faults and folly's
For being my sturdy rock in times of sorrow.
For being someone special.
For giving a special significance
to the word "friend".
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Perception
We have six senses,
That god has given and yet we take for granted.
We hope to find some remarkable event
that would marks us forever.
Yet the little things in life
are highly ignored.
Like the breeze and the beautiful trees
Like running water and the lack of disease.
We thirst for something that hasn't been achieved.
We thirst for distinction and fame.
The little things in life are ignored.
That are ancestors revered and prayed for,
Prayed for the rain, for growth and fertility.
Pursuing materialistic things,
that don't last and begin to wear immediately.
People see us,
random strangers..........
Do they consider the goods that we horde
as an extension of who we are?
Do they ever consider the person within this shell
This outer shell which will one day turn into dust?
Our first perception of this world should include everything.
Not just the goods and the monetary aspirations.
But the smile we bring to someones face
when a memory sparks within their hearts.
That god has given and yet we take for granted.
We hope to find some remarkable event
that would marks us forever.
Yet the little things in life
are highly ignored.
Like the breeze and the beautiful trees
Like running water and the lack of disease.
We thirst for something that hasn't been achieved.
We thirst for distinction and fame.
The little things in life are ignored.
That are ancestors revered and prayed for,
Prayed for the rain, for growth and fertility.
Pursuing materialistic things,
that don't last and begin to wear immediately.
People see us,
random strangers..........
Do they consider the goods that we horde
as an extension of who we are?
Do they ever consider the person within this shell
This outer shell which will one day turn into dust?
Our first perception of this world should include everything.
Not just the goods and the monetary aspirations.
But the smile we bring to someones face
when a memory sparks within their hearts.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Abuse
I've been verbally slaughtered by your tongue.
You have shred me to pieces about my dreams.
You despise me and yet you continue to succeed
in having a place in my dreams.
I should kick you to the curb.
You liar, cheater and flirt.
When you smile my heart still beats,
and I hear the lightest things like birds that make me weep.
I love and hate this disarray.
My heart is rejected by you,
but nevertheless I force myself to proceed.
My daily life pursuits don't mean a thing to you.
You are to busy flirting with others.
Putting me down and making me succumb to self destruction.
You have shred me to pieces about my dreams.
You despise me and yet you continue to succeed
in having a place in my dreams.
I should kick you to the curb.
You liar, cheater and flirt.
When you smile my heart still beats,
and I hear the lightest things like birds that make me weep.
I love and hate this disarray.
My heart is rejected by you,
but nevertheless I force myself to proceed.
My daily life pursuits don't mean a thing to you.
You are to busy flirting with others.
Putting me down and making me succumb to self destruction.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Volatility
Your love is so Volatile.......
It has to be a mistake..............
Filled with uncertainty and lots of haste................
You poke fun at my wisdom and laugh at my dreams.............
Yet we are in love so everything is precisely as it should be......
You cut me off when I talk............
Make me want to go mad.........
This love is so unhealthy,
Yet I cling to it like its water
or the rays of the sun that a plant most have.
My eyes are red today and my limbs are tired.
I feel like I ran a mile.
Yet the race is not over...........
Is the price worth the miles?
I am losing who I am,
I am losing my hearts desire,
I am losing my peace of mind because of this great sorrow.
My love is so destructive,
Its not worth the wait
or the race that I have found myself in..........
If you love me make me smile,
with joy and abundance.
We should laugh together..........
Make it feel like its worth the WAIT.............
I want to talk to you ...........
Spend time with you .....
Be the number one in your life......
I want you to fight for me............
Like I fought for you......
I want you to put my fears to rest.............
My fear of good-bye........
My fear of never seeing you again.
Can you do that?
Stop causing me pain !
I choose you for a reason.
Don't make this a mistake.
Don't make me the butt of jokes,
of being a FOOL in love with you.
Please understand my feelings for you
and stop making dumb mistakes!
It has to be a mistake..............
Filled with uncertainty and lots of haste................
You poke fun at my wisdom and laugh at my dreams.............
Yet we are in love so everything is precisely as it should be......
You cut me off when I talk............
Make me want to go mad.........
This love is so unhealthy,
Yet I cling to it like its water
or the rays of the sun that a plant most have.
My eyes are red today and my limbs are tired.
I feel like I ran a mile.
Yet the race is not over...........
Is the price worth the miles?
I am losing who I am,
I am losing my hearts desire,
I am losing my peace of mind because of this great sorrow.
My love is so destructive,
Its not worth the wait
or the race that I have found myself in..........
If you love me make me smile,
with joy and abundance.
We should laugh together..........
Make it feel like its worth the WAIT.............
I want to talk to you ...........
Spend time with you .....
Be the number one in your life......
I want you to fight for me............
Like I fought for you......
I want you to put my fears to rest.............
My fear of good-bye........
My fear of never seeing you again.
Can you do that?
Stop causing me pain !
I choose you for a reason.
Don't make this a mistake.
Don't make me the butt of jokes,
of being a FOOL in love with you.
Please understand my feelings for you
and stop making dumb mistakes!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Library
I went to the library the other day to get some books. I love to read paranormal fiction. I went and I found myself asking a simple question about a late fee charge. I was confused in regards to why the fee was charged since the system of the library was down. I asked the lady if the late fee was taken off of my account. Simple question. Right? The amount was like a dollar seventy five and I know the amount is really small but FAIRNESS should apply for every aspect of our lives!!!! So if I am NOT at fault why should I have to pay for it. Anyways, the woman bought her supervisor over and I tried to explain the situation. I was really calm. The lady took one look at my purse and looked me up and down. She gave me a look "are you kidding me!" Mind you I wasn't wearing a Coach bag but it was a name brand nevertheless. I tried to explain to her that I have no problem paying the money but why should I when I wasn't at fault. She didn't even hear me out she just had an overbearing manner which was by constantly interrupting me and then started verbally attacking me. She told me that I have an attitude problem and that "THE HUMAN MIND IS A FRAGILE THING" and she went on to say that some people may think and event occurred when it didn't. I was horrified and angry. My way of thinking that this is a public library and being a tax paying citizen I should NOT be treated like that. Like what happened to PROFESSIONALISM AND COURTESY. I understand that if you can SURVIVE New York you can deal with anything. The funny thing was that this women was like in her late forties maybe fifties and you would think she would know how how to deal with people. My point being we let little things slide in our lives that we think isn't a big deal. It starts with the little things and then gradually you let things slide of bigger significance. The lady from the library shouldn't have attacked me and in doing so she made it seem like she was doing me a favor. I called her out and told her straight forwardly that she shouldn't have made such remarks that were uncalled for and she just laughed at me. If you are miserable in your job don't take it out on other people just look at yourself first and understand where it is coming from. Lately, I've come across this kind of attitude in the borough libraries. It is very damaging considering they are suppose to encourage reading in the community and in children. People should be careful with the way they are portraying themselves. I really didn't want to go back after that and I have started buying books instead for I don't want ATTITUDES to destroy my zest of reading. Even though she has nothing to do with books the atmosphere itself can oppressive.
Dreams
Dreams are like bubbles,
They can pop any moment
without the least inclination.
Dreams aren't meant to be understood,
They motivate us,
inspire others,
to make an everlasting impression on the world.
Don't be afraid to be who you are,
being unique may be hard,
Trust me I know...........
But if you aren't truthful to yourself
then do not expect others to be truthful to you.
Constantly one complains of being misunderstood....
That may be so ....
but have you really shown your true self
and given yourself a chance?
For you are your biggest critic
and may bring yourself lower then others!
Courage isn't only in dangerous situations,
but rather in everyday pursuits
that we find ourselves in.
So never lose the courage to dream
of a better tomorrow,
of a new world,
of a more accepting society.
No one has the right to judge......
for perfection is unattainable
and being human is giving yourself room to explore,
and make mistakes.
They can pop any moment
without the least inclination.
Dreams aren't meant to be understood,
They motivate us,
inspire others,
to make an everlasting impression on the world.
Don't be afraid to be who you are,
being unique may be hard,
Trust me I know...........
But if you aren't truthful to yourself
then do not expect others to be truthful to you.
Constantly one complains of being misunderstood....
That may be so ....
but have you really shown your true self
and given yourself a chance?
For you are your biggest critic
and may bring yourself lower then others!
Courage isn't only in dangerous situations,
but rather in everyday pursuits
that we find ourselves in.
So never lose the courage to dream
of a better tomorrow,
of a new world,
of a more accepting society.
No one has the right to judge......
for perfection is unattainable
and being human is giving yourself room to explore,
and make mistakes.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Pheonix
I've been reborn,
from the ashes .........
I am free of societies restraints................
of following a time line
of doing things in haste...........
Yet I feel the yearning of being understood
of being loved and cherished
just like any normal human being would.
I've heard many tell me
I am ALONE, LONELY
Do you know that they are many that feel the same?
Your not alone in that feeling of isolation..........
I have meet people that idealize love
that are looking for that great emotion................
Truly, we just want somebody to care for us
To be mattered by someone as important.........
I have died numerous deaths,
my childhood's gone,
my innocence has vanished,
my search for love has ended,
I am reborn ........................
I am the pheonix.................
from the ashes .........
I am free of societies restraints................
of following a time line
of doing things in haste...........
Yet I feel the yearning of being understood
of being loved and cherished
just like any normal human being would.
I've heard many tell me
I am ALONE, LONELY
Do you know that they are many that feel the same?
Your not alone in that feeling of isolation..........
I have meet people that idealize love
that are looking for that great emotion................
Truly, we just want somebody to care for us
To be mattered by someone as important.........
I have died numerous deaths,
my childhood's gone,
my innocence has vanished,
my search for love has ended,
I am reborn ........................
I am the pheonix.................
Thursday, January 14, 2010
HATE VS LOVE
I don't like people that abuse the word love. Love for me is really important and can be found in many places. Love usually brings into mind the love of a man and a woman but they are many types of love of which parents, siblings, friends and complete strangers display to one another. It could be a love of a cause, the love of knowledge, the love of
The NEw YEar
When I saw the movie 2012 I was horrified. I was like OMG I am going to die. You can imagine my terror on New Years Eve. I was like make it stop! STOP ! It felt more like doomsday then anything else. I even went on you tube and saw the theory based on the some Malaysian legend. Is there any factual reasoning behind this or is it just some Hollywood drama?
Love or Infatuation?
We all strive for love in life, or so it would seem. Every person has a different definition of it. I have found that love is Complicated. I laugh as I write this. The word Complicated amuses me. I want a special someone in my life that would understand me . It seems I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I have meet Boys of my age that aren't on the maturity level that I am. When I talk to my girl friends they say that I should look for someone older and established. That men my age tend to be two or three years behind mentally and it takes them a while to catch up! I thought I was looking for true love but as long as your attracted to somebody the rest it seems is trivial.
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