Weight

So here I am at another fork in the road wondering where I am going next........... I am so unhappy and then it did not help matters when I realized that food did not deplete my happiness. It seemed to manifest it. My whole life I had used food as a buffer to deal with my problems. That realization was quite mind boggling.
Being a woman from two cultures, weight was a big degradation in my life. I was always known as fatso in my house. Yet the funniest thing is that food was my only source of happiness.

How sad right? I am told by many friends that I am pretty, some say beautiful. Many men ask me out and yet I shy away from all of that attention. Loving oneself is a huge step. I am about to have a bachelors degree and I feel void of any emotions. It seems like a waste following the dictates of society especially when one is so very unhappy.
Without a degree there is no respect in the American world. I was just thinking today about the time when I worked at Dunkin Donuts. My only source of anxiety was my dad being upset that I had missed my curfew because of a job that did not sit well with him. Back then I thought that he did not understand finding independence was the utmost importance to me.

What now? Is this the Independence that I was seeking? Wallowing in debt, barely making ends meet, absorbed in my own self pity? Now that I am no longer wearing the rosy hued shades that society gave me I realized that my father understood the deep cut of betrayal. The betrayal that I would feel when I realize that this so called "independence" is just a mirage.